Isn’t it funny how we portray grandmothers and grandfathers? On one hand, I see headlines that say, Not Your Grandfather’s Shul or Not Your Grandmother’s Challah – always with the implication that the things of your grandparents are outdated, lousy, good to discard. Then, on the other hand, I see articles titled, How to Cook like an Iraqi Jewish Grandmother, and My Grandfather Fooled the Nazis, implying that grandparents are strong, smart, capable role models for us.
So which is it? Are grandparents annoying relics? Or are they treasures of history, love and knowhow? While I admit that grandparents can be flawed I see most grandchildren giving them a pass on their shortcomings. “My grandmother went through a lot to raise her family; she didn’t have the opportunity to get an education so I can’t judge her for some of her lack of knowledge.” Or, “My grandfather was the only person who saw ME, not my disability. We did things together because he believed I could. Maybe he doesn’t understand some modern attitudes, but he understands me.”
If you’re feeling short tempered with your own parents consider how you felt/feel about your grandparents. Do you have a bit more distance and acceptance of them? I’m not going to suggest that you can give that same gift to your parents, rather I’m going to suggest that you make the very most of the grandchild – grandparent relationship. Sit with your own grandparents, hold hands, kiss them. Talk about your childhood and theirs. Savor the golden moments of love and connection. They are the root from which you sprang. Delight in that.
Now, even if your own parents are hard on you, nurture their relationship with your child(ren). Set aside time for your kids to be with your parents, time to talk, to take a walk, to put on lipstick or build a birdhouse.
If your children share their grandparents’ religious tradition, make sure that they create memories of “doing” religion together. A friend of mine told me that, growing up, her mother’s father was Orthodox and she used to sit near him as he put on his tiffilin and said his morning prayers. The memory is a sacred joy forever for her.
If they don’t share a religious tradition be sure to create other shared traditions. Perhaps you’ll decide to never see a Disney film until you can see it with those grandparents. Maybe you always take hikes or go to the zoo with them or have special books to be read with them. Give your children the gift of grandparent memories that they will treasure all their lives.
If you need ideas, email me. If you want to share your own ideas, please email me! I’ll share them with everyone else.