A dear friend just lost his non-Jewish father. My friend was not raised Jewish but has chosen Judaism as an adult. Grief has impinged on his Jewish confidence and he keeps turning to me and asking, “Is it alright for me to do this?”
His father, Dale, specified that he wanted to be cremated. Is it OK to follow his desires given that Judaism opposes destroying the body?
Yes. First, his father is not a Jew and is not bound by Jewish law. Second, we are instructed to honor the dead. In this case, it means doing what Dale wanted.
My friend said, “None of my dad’s friends know anything about Judaism. How do I remember him with them? Is it OK to hold a ‘celebration of his life’; it’s sort of like a party?”
Yes, performing the common rites of his dad’s community make sense. Many of Dale’s friends are Hispanic and know exactly what they want. Dale’s long time companion, who is also not a Jew, needs closure in a manner that is comfortable for her.
“What about all my dad’s hobbies – golfing, bowling, drinking beer with his buddies? I have my dad’s trophies, photos and keepsakes.”
Display them! It will stimulate memories and stories. The people who were with Dale for those activities will cry and laugh as they recall them.
My friend is vegan so in addition to no pork or shellfish, he decided there will only be chicken for the meat eaters and plenty of salads and fruit will make up the menu. Music, singing, laughter and stories will comfort the many friends of Dale and give my beloved friend an opportunity to be “with his dad” for an afternoon.
“What about shiva?”
Shiva is for the Jewish mourner. My friend can join with his own community to recite the mourner’s Kaddish. In the Jewish community the focus will be on my friend, the mourner. This will be his time of comfort.
“Then when do I sit shiva?”
A Jew sits shiva after the body is buried. The closest we can get to that is when the body is cremated. So once you have the urn you can contact your rabbi.
“Are people going to think this is weird of me or think I’m less of a Jew?”
Educated Jews will understand and will see the sense of what you are doing. You are respecting both your father and Jewish law. Uneducated people may be confused, so you can educate them. Uneducated AND nasty people may say something stupid, even cruel. You can roll your eyes and walk away; or suggest they meet with their rabbi for a learning opportunity. Or refer them to me; I have an Orthodox rabbi they can speak to.