Last month I had another online workshop with adults who grew up in interfaith families. Their comments were profound and moving. They had been raised in various degrees of Jewish observance and identity. There was stunning moment when one of them talked about explaining their background in a conversation. She said, “I told the man that one of my parents is Jewish and he replied…” at which point the entire group responded in unison – “Which one?” This is 2025, not 1955 and these individuals were from their 20’s to their 70’s. But one thing remains the same – the eternal question of matrilineal vs patrilineal descent. From this day until the day that Jewish law vanishes, halachic status will matter.
So what to do with that? How to alter the pain that it engenders? These individuals have a secret strength, the knowledge that as a person who holds multiple identities they also have a tremendous ability to see both sides or, more accurately, multiple facets.
We began by acknowledging the pain. Even if someone didn’t mean to kick you, the blow hurts all the same. But then we looked more deeply. WHY are individuals concerned about this aspect of identity – or for that matter – of all our identities? What if you are a patrilineal, trans, Hispanic Jew? Do you need to explain yourself? There are generally two reasons that people ask for details of identity.
One, they are halachically responsible. That means that it is a valid question if an Orthodox rabbi is considering giving you an aliyah before his congregation. It is needs-to-know question. Although these adults don’t want to be determined to be outside the identity boundaries, they understand the reasons for boundaries.
Two, the questioner is anxious, afraid, or insecure. The Jewish community is one living in constant PTSD. There has not been a generation of Jews that was not impacted by anti-Semitism. There is the nagging question, are you with us or against us? I’ve heard people ask in exasperation, “Wouldn’t a persecuted people welcome anyone who wants to join them?” No. If you don’t really understand anti-Semitism it seems unreal, insignificant. When the reality hits – they become fair weather friends. How many of us have seen that in our non-Jewish contacts and friends since Oct. 7th?
Also, the largest contingent of Jews in America is the unaffiliated. Many have never learned much about Judaism and the key element of belonging that they have is a Jewish mother. So if that makes them “real” Jews and you don’t have that, you’re not a Jew. Simply put, they are insecure.
And there are the Jewish apologists. For them, being “liberal, i.e. good” means accepting every form of alteration or contortion necessary to make Judaism comfortable to non-Jews or all Jews. That means changing Jewish practice to be more like our American Christian culture. Just think: Turn the other cheek is a Christian, not a Jewish, concept. Now ask yourself why that is true and why it matters.
There is the longing to fit in, to be accepted. Not one human being will be accepted in every environment in human society.
What I stress with my adults from interfaith homes is to find their own voice, their own sense of self, and the right community for them.
What can we do as caring community members? Don’t ask things you don’t need to know. Assume the person at shul is a Jew, or at least belongs there. If you wonder if you need to know, ask your rabbi. Treat people they way you want to be treated. Would you like to be greeted, smiled at, offered a seat, given a refreshment? So would everyone else. And PLEASE don’t be patronizing or officious. Yes, that black Jew noticed that you were fussing over them.
What can parents and grandparents do? Be honest about Jewish ideas. Teach the variety of beliefs. Don’t belittle those ideas that you don’t share. Listen to your loved one’s experience and believe them. I have one woman who told her parents that people were expressing prejudice towards her for being Chinese. Her Jewish mother hastened to deny that. Her Chinese non-Jewish father said, “Of course, you are right.” Don’t let your child’s pain make you so uncomfortable that that you push them away.
Need help? Just get in touch. You are SO not alone!
A couple random things –
Learn more about Sephardic and Mizrahi Jews here.
I know that a number of you are artists. I stumbled across this YouTube channel about Jewish art. I’d love to know what you think of their videos.
Art and Scroll Studio
“At Art and Scroll Studio we host a live Zoom series where we feature the makers and creators of Judaica Art. In each monthly episode we host a featured artist in presentation and conversation. Through the thoughtful presentation of a curated art presentation the artist explains their passion, their story and the legacy of their work. Join us for our virtual and free episodes.”
EVENTS
Democracy Shabbat (San Francisco)
For The Love of Animals (Palo Alto)
Community Playdate and Open House (Mill Valley)
Jewish Community Night at the Theater: Parade (San Francisco)
Shavuot Celebration with PJ Library! (Oakland)
Moments of Discovery: From Sinai to San Francisco (San Francisco)
Shavuot Together: An Evening of Learning & Celebration (Foster City)
Countdown to Shavuot: Get ready to receive Torah (Berkeley)
Dad, What’s for Dinner? (Palo Alto)
Virtual Jewish Birth Prep Workshop (Online)
Democracy Shabbat
As part of a series of Courage Shabbats highlighting our congregational values, special guest speaker, San Francisco City Attorney David Chiu will discuss his efforts defending civil rights and upholding democratic values during the Trump administration’s first 100 days in office. Attorney Chiu and his team have filed multiple briefs and signed onto several lawsuits opposing Trump’s executive orders that encroach upon the freedoms and liberties of San Francisco’s marginalized communities.
Kabbalat Shabbat service will be led by Rabbi Jessica Zimmerman Graf, cantorial soloist Simon Barrad and music director Jonathan Dimmock. We will come together after the service for a community Oneg.
Date: Friday, May 16
Time: 6:00 – 7:00pm
Place: Sherith Israel, 2266 California Street, San Francisco and streaming on YouTube.
For The Love of Animals
A theatrical production by The Braid. Captivating true animal stories performed by actors that shed a light on the Jewish soul —in ways everyone will resonate with!
Date: Saturday, May 17
Time: 7:30pm
Place: Etz Chayim, 4161 Alma, Palo Alto
Get tickets and learn more here.
Community Playdate and Open House
Families are invited to the Marin JCC’s Community Playdate & Open House! Celebrate the newly renovated Mill Valley campus with campus tours, music, open play, face painting, food, and more. Fun for the whole family!
All faiths and backgrounds welcome.
For details and enrollment information, visit marinjcc.org/preschool.
Date: Sunday, May 18
Time: 10am to 1pm
Place: JCC Preschool, 36 Tiburon Blvd., Mill Valley
Host: Marin JCC
Jewish Community Night at the Theater: Parade
Join Jewish Community Relations Council for opening night of Parade — the Tony Award-winning musical based on the true story of Leo Frank, a Jewish man falsely accused of murder in 1913 Georgia. This powerful production confronts antisemitism, racism, and injustice—echoes that still resonate today.
As part of Jewish American Heritage Month, JCRC Bay Area is proud to host this special Community Night!
Post-show Q&A with JCRC CEO Tye Gregory and members of the cast
Surprise giveaways, including exclusive JCRC swag and tote bags
Discounted tickets to any performance with promo code “JCRC”
A portion of your ticket supports JCRC’s work to create a more inclusive and equitable Bay Area
Use promo code “JCRC” for special pricing to any performance. A portion of your ticket supports our work to build a more inclusive and equitable Bay Area.
Date: Tuesday, May 20
Time: 7pm
Place: The Orpheum Theatre, 1192 Market St., San Francisco
Buy tickets here
Shavuot Celebration with PJ Library!
Let’s all get together for a joyful Shavuot celebration that we’ll share with PJ Library! This event is perfect for everyone from babies to bubbes! Of course there will be food – dairy and spring harvest foods; FUN crafting for kids and adults; a playdough activity for little ones. Be there to unroll a real Torah scroll. Be sure to bring anyone who has not yet had the opportunity to see the Torah up close and personal. We’ll explore the story of this pilgrimage holiday.
Join Temple Beth Abraham, PJ Library, Women of TBA and Building Jewish Bridges for springtime fun!
Date: Sunday, June 1
Time: 10:30am to 12noon
Place: Temple Beth Abraham, 327 MacArthur Blvd, Oakland
RSVP here
Got questions? Email PJ Library Parent Connector, Rebecca at rebecca.feigelson@gmail.com.
Moments of Discovery: From Sinai to San Francisco
Erev Shavuot Community Program
Join us for an evening of learning, connection, and celebration as we honor the tradition of Shavuot in a vibrant community-wide event hosted at Congregation Beth Sholom.
5:30–7 pm: Family Program and Pizza. Registration and payment required for pizza
7 pm: All Community Opening Session: Beit Midrash with Rabbi David Kasher of Hadar.
Childcare available (age 5+) in the LabPlaySpace during this session.
Followed by breakout learning sessions and events until 11 pm.
Date: Sunday, June 1
Time: 6:00 – 11:00pm
Place: Congregation Beth Sholom, 301 14th Ave, San Francisco
Register
Shavuot Together: An Evening of Learning & Celebration
Join the North Peninsula Jewish Collaboration for a festive evening of Jewish learning with clergy and teachers from across the community! A special emphasis will be given to the theme of mental health and wellness from a Jewish perspective.
Light dairy appetizers as well as cheesecake provided.
5:00-5:30: Opening reception
5:30-6:30: Learning session 1 – Options include a teaching by Rabbi Lisa on famous Talmudic stories of healing and compassion
6:45-7:45: Learning session 2 – with 2 options to choose from
7:40-8:00 Cheesecake!
8:15-8:45: Healing service opportunities – Includes a musical healing service by Cantor Elana Jagoda Kaye and a guided meditation with Saul Kaye.
Date: Sunday, June 1
Time: 5:00-9:00 p.m. (with optional participation choices)
Place: Peninsula Jewish Community Center, 800 Foster City Boulevard Foster City
More info here. See session choices and register here.
Questions? Contact Jewish Life
Countdown to Shavuot: Get ready to receive Torah
Following Maariv (evening prayers) at 8pm, our very own Rabbi Adina Allen, co-founder and creative director of the Jewish Studio Project, will speak in conversation with Rabbi Chai Levy about her book, The Place of All Possibility, exploring creativity, Shavuot and the power to reimagine what’s possible.
We will celebrate the giving of Torah throughout the night with activities for youth, cheesecake and snacks, and study sessions with Professor Naomi Seidman, Henry Wudl, Rabbi Dorothy Richman, and more. Full schedule to come. Adina’s book will be available; you can pay for it after chag.
Date: Sunday, June 1 & 2
Time: 8pm – 1am
Place: Netivot Shalom, 1316 University Avenue, Berkeley
(Please note the JCC East Bay Tikkun will take place during the day of June 1, 2-8pm)
https://www.jewishstudioproject.org
Rabbi Allen’s Book
Dad, What’s for Dinner?
Join us for a pre-Father’s Day celebration with Chef David Nayfeld to discuss his new book, Dad, What’s For Dinner? Nayfeld’s latest book contains more than 80 unfussy, uncompromising recipes for weeknights and beyond. The book helps dads (and other parents) get delicious dinner on the table.
David Nayfeld has worked with some of the best chefs in the world before co-creating Back Home Hospitality and opening the group’s first restaurant, Che Fico, in San Francisco, which was named one of the best new restaurants in America by Bon Appétit and Esquire.
This event will feature a presentation about the book, a hands-on cooking demo, a meet-and-greet with David Nayfeld and a book signing.
Date: Sunday, June 8
Time: 11:00am – 12:30pm
Place: Oshman Family JCC, Arrillaga Family Pavilion (Bldg C) 1st Floor, 3921 Fabian Way, Palo Alto
Cost: $45 Adults | $35 Students | $20 Children (ages 5–14 with parental supervision) | $90 Family of four (includes one book)
For a free book, please register by May 20
Register here
Virtual Jewish Birth Prep Workshop
Learn about rituals during pregnancy, labor and delivery, choosing a Hebrew name, circumcision/bris, naming and welcoming ceremonies, Jewish parenting and more.
Date: Sun, Jun 15
Time: 3:00 – 5:00pm
Place: Zoom
Host: Jewish Baby Network, this class will be facilitated by JBN Director Carol Booth, MAEd.|
Free
Register here