So often we will do for our children things we don’t make the effort to do for ourselves, no matter how valuable. Recently I read a string of emails on the Berkeley Parents Network in response to a mother asking for help in building a community for her child. One mom replied that she has lived in the bay area 12 years and has made no ongoing friends since finishing college. She wisely says, “I think ideally community for children would extend naturally from a community that you join for reasons other than kids.”

Are you familiar with these stages of expectation?
As a new mom, won’t I meet & bond with other moms in a mom’s group?
At the preschool stage, surely here we’ll bond with other parents at the preschool.
Or school age, we’ll go to PTA meetings and make friends with the other parents.

But the years slip away and we may or may not make a circle of friends that form “a community.”

Community forms when people have a common goal, repeated interaction, and a commitment to be mutually sustaining. It takes time to bond. And it takes more, it takes that a common goal.

The advantage to being Jewish is that joining a JCC or a synagogue is not about your religious beliefs. You can believe or not in God, in the story of the bible, heaven, reincarnation, souls, global warming. To quote one rabbi, “Jews have one God… or fewer.” After that you’ll basically buying into the idea that people are better off together than apart.

A synagogue or JCC has the structure to sustain and nurture their existing community, you just get on board.

How? It still takes time and commitment because you are creating a relationship. You have to BE PRESENT – it could be attending Shabbat services, joining the Men’s baseball team, baking for the oneg (reception after services), singing in the choir, serving on a committee, taking a class. In the midst of these activities you will meet people, laugh, eat, sing, and develop a relationship. They will care for you because you care about them.

Summer is a great time to cruise the options. Call if you need help planning your exploration.

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The Jewish holidays have pretty well wrapped up and the summer stretches before us. What will you do over the summer? I have some suggestions.

Check out the synagogues
Do some shul shopping. Now with no pressure on, go to services, chat with a few people, see which places you like. That way, come fall, you’ll know where you want to go for High Holidays, where you want to sign up the kids for Hebrew school.

Try some Jewish Community Center programs
The JCCs have summer activities for kids and adults. Many of them have swimming pools too. Go online and google the name of your city and “JCC.” Then look at their website for classes and events.

Experiment with Shabbat
When my kids were younger we would do Shabbat at the park with another family. All four children liked soccer and we took soccer cones with us. We would have a game and then move over to the picnic tables to light the candles and begin dinner.

Volunteer
Recently I saw in the email from Rodef Sholom, “We urgently need help in feeding the homeless in our community!” You can help make sandwiches, drive seniors to appointments, read to a child. Call your local synagogue or Jewish Family and Children’s Services. They are involved in helping the community.

Do you have a skill that could help one of the many job seekers in the community? Many of the Jewish Family and Children’s Services offices are offering job workshops. Maybe you have skills you could perform to help them.

Summertime and the plants are growing
Do you live in the Lafayette area? Temple Isaiah has begin participating in a CSA project, Community Supported Agriculture. I asked and you don’t have to be a member to buy in. Look at the website and see if you want food direct from the farm.

http://www.temple-isaiah.org/groups-activities/community-supported-agriculture/

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The HARD side of interfaith relationships and the Jewish world
A member of this list asked me to pass along to you his painful experience. His wife is not Jewish and his brother has rejected his family – both JB’s wife and son. JB feels that he has lost his own brother and his nephew. Additionally he has felt judged by other Jews around him because of his interfaith family. He acknowledges that the Bay Area is a more welcoming environment than the East coast but he still suffers from bad experiences.

In the Community
Bad things happen. People are cruel. I cannot change that. But I can equip you to deal with it. First, always feel free to contact me. We can talk about what YOU are dealing with, what you want and how to move forward.

Let’s start at the traditional end of the spectrum. Yes, traditional Jewish law traces Jewish identity by the mother. So you were either born to a Jewish woman or you converted. Yes, you can convert a child. This is your decision. If you want to have your child converted, I can help you do that. There is absolutely nothing wrong with conversion, nor is there anything wrong with choosing a Conservative or Orthodox community for you and your family. There are people on this list who have done that.

If converting your child makes you angry then you need to seek out a Jewish community that accepts patrilineal descent. The Reform movement accepted this in 1983. The Renewal, Reconstructionist and Humanist movements also follow this tradition. The caveat is that all Jewishly identified children in these synagogues/movements must be raised Jewish. That means you can’t be passive, you must give your child a Jewish education and they must celebrate Jewish lifecycle events. You can go to any synagogue from these movements and raise your child as a Jew.

Will random Jews – and even non-Jews make comments that you find offensive? Of course. Rude people exist everywhere. Try to keep it in perspective. If you don’t have a snappy comeback (we’ve all thought up great comebacks once we get home) then in the moment you can simply say, “That was unkind and hurtful.” A simple, true statement. Then turn and walk away.

Make an effort to put comments in perspective; don’t give cruel people control of your self esteem or your life choices!

In the Family
Family is another issue. Their hurtful statements go deep. The situation above needs therapy. No healthy person, Jewish or not, would suggest cutting off family members so summarily. My heart goes out to JB and his loss. Truthfully, I find that people who behave like this are not reacting about religion. Something more troubling is under the surface. I have told troubled families to go to therapy; I have given referrals; I have advised family members to take a break from each other until some counseling has been done. Do not remain in the same room with someone who is mistreating you or your family members.

All religions with which I am familiar teach people to seek a thoughtful and caring resolution to conflict. You deserve kindness. Find the people and the places where you get it. Call me and we’ll find the place that is right for you.

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Talking to a couple of people this week made me write about FEAR.

Do not traffic in fear
Despite the fact that the Reform movement began inreach and outreach to interfaith couples in 1978 many people remain unaware that welcoming interfaith couples and families has grown stronger and more wide spread over the last 30+ years. It rapidly sprang up in Reconstructionist, Humanist and Renewal congregations. It has spread into Conservative shuls and has a soft spoken presence in Orthodox congregations. Jewish Community Centers and other agencies strive to offer welcoming, entry point programming. Yet I still hear people telling me that some Jew has told them that, (a) interfaith couples aren’t welcome… out there, (b) it will be hard to find a rabbi who performs interfaith weddings, (c) the other guys (the synagogue up the road, the JCC in the next town) are mean to interfaith couples.

STOP LISTENING TO THAT! Jews who say that are either ignorant, territorial or projecting their own reality. If you reside in the bay area, none of this is true. I have a long list of rabbis who perform interfaith weddings. It is more difficult if you want to get married on the Jewish Sabbath (Friday afternoon to Saturday at sundown). Why? Not because you are an interfaith couple, but because the vast majority of rabbis follow the guidelines of Jewish law which forbid certain acts (work) on the Sabbath. It isn’t about you; it’s about them being a Jew. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Don’t be afraid. Synagogues of all movements want you. JCCs want you. Agencies want you. The Jewish people is a PEOPLE. It is a family, a home. To quote Robert Frost, not a Jew, “Home is the place where, when you go there, they have to take you in.” They may make you use a napkin or wash your hands, but Home Folks always take you in. Don’t forget that! Call me if you start to forget or doubt.

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What does Passover mean in American Jewish community?

Often Jews will say, “Passover is my favorite holiday.”  Often Christians will say, “Christmas is my favorite holiday.”  These two days are pretty different – one about the exodus from Egypt and the other about the birth of Jesus.  What do we DO on these days?  Passover revolves around  telling the story of the redemption of the Hebrews from slavery and Christmas is about the birth of Jesus – and is often a big gift opening day. 

But I don’t think it is these two behaviors that draws individuals to them.  I think it is the fact that they are done with others.  It is not gifts, the story telling or even the eating, it is being together.  On an intimate family level, it is being with those you love – even if you argue.  Seeing the familiar faces – grandparents, cousins, close friends, families we were born into and families we create.  On a communal level, we know that all the other Jews around the world are “with us” on this night; together we are all recounting our going out of Egypt.  On Christmas day, all Christians, and many non-Christians, are gathered with family and friends, everyone has the day off; everyone is listening to the same songs, making a very similar meal, gathered around a tree.

We love these holidays because they allow us to have an experience of togetherness. 

Scientists who study Happiness report that despite all the conspicuous consumption of our culture, things don’t make us happy, experiences do. So, it isn’t the things we remember with joy, it is the experiences.  As you prepare for Passover this year make an effort to imbue it with experiences you and your loved ones will treasure.  Let the kids help make the food.  Give your guests a task to complete, a dish to make.  One of the most fun parts of Passover for me is the conversations I have with my best friends about who is making what.  Find new recipes.  Be sure grandma brings her traditional dish.  (My husband must make his charoset recipe!)

Let the kids dress up and enact the story of Moses.  Play games as you tell the story around the table.  Get plastic frogs and insects to put on the table. 

Want more ideas?  Email me and tell me the ages and backgrounds of your guests I’ll give you some.

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 Where are fun, informative, interactive Jewish events taking place?

Everywhere!  I know from your emails to me that many of you rely on the e-letter to keep you informed.  That’s fine but I want you to remember that I can only cover a smattering of what is out there.  If you want to be more informed here are some suggestions:

Subscribe to the J Weekly.  It’s the bay area’s Jewish newspaper and it comes out on Fridays.  They have articles, calendar announcements and ads from all over.  You’ll see something happening across the county or across the bay in the J.  (www.jweekly.com for information)

Get a copy of RESOURCE; it’s the Jewish Yellow pages for our community.  Judy or Gail at Jewish Community Information and Referral will mail you a copy.  Just call them at 415-777-4545. 

Look around your city.  Is there a synagogue?  A JCC?  Call them and ask to be put on their email list.  You’ll receive emails (sometimes weekly) about what they are up to. 

How do I get all these events?  I subscribe to most of the synagogue, JCC and Jewish Family Services emails.  I pick out the events that I think are particularly appropriate.

You’ll notice that very few are SPECIFICALLY interfaith in topic.  Helena McMahon at the Interfaith Connection at the San Francisco JCC and I are the main providers of specifically interfaith programming.  But we’re working to spread the programs around.

Still, you’re going to enjoy a film, a lecture, a class, a concert and you’ll learn something, connect with others in the community and get to see how you like the Jewish community that is coexisting with all the other subordinate cultures in the bay area.

Culturally Jewish

Many Jews identify as “culturally Jewish.”  You and I know what that means but your non-Jewish partner may not be so sure.  Take the two of you to some of the events that reveal cultural Judaism – music, books, movies and social justice.  

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I have been thinking about how to talk to you about Israel when there is no simple statement to be made.  Then I received a beautiful letter that Rabbi Mark Bloom of Temple Beth Abraham in Oakland wrote to his congregation.  I got his permission to share it with you here.  I was particularly touched by his acknowledgement that not matter what he said or didn’t say, he was sure to offend someone — and that hurts too.

Dear Friends,

I just came from a briefing with Israeli Consul General Akiva Tor (who will be speaking at our synagogue on Saturday, February 21), and I wanted to share some of my thoughts on the situation in Israel and the Gaza Strip.

My heart is torn with both support for Israel’s right to defend itself and compassion for the loss of innocent lives, whether we’re talking about Israeli families in Sderot being bombed daily by Hamas or innocent Palestinian civilians caught in the crossfire of what Israel calls “Operation Cast Lead.”  Secondly, I know that whatever I say or don’t say offends at least some members of our community, and that pains me greatly.  Nevertheless, I feel that I need to share my thoughts with you as the Rabbi of Temple Beth Abraham.

1. My first concern is with family and friends in Israel.  Many of us have relatives who live in Israel and/or serve in the Israeli Defense Forces.  We also have several college age students over there, and I am worried about their safety as well as their peace of mind.  A friend, who is an educational psychologist and family therapist working in a trauma center in Ashkelon, wrote her thoughts in a letter about working in the heart of an area bombarded with rockets.  It is heartbreaking to read her account of working with children who have literally been scared speechless. 

2. I am also greatly concerned with anti-Semitic fallout, both worldwide and in the Bay Area.  Anti-Semitic attacks have become almost a daily occurrence in France, and the San Francisco Holocaust Memorial has been vandalized three times since the conflict began.  Rest assured that, at the synagogue, we have had no threats and are in constant contact with the ADL about security concerns.  There is also a great deal of hate speech directed at both Jews and Israel at rallies throughout the Bay Area.  Most of the rallies are filled with people who are simply against war at all costs, and it behooves us not to lump all protesters together in our words and minds.  However, there are some horrific words uttered against both Israel and Jews at many of these rallies, and most of us are not aware that there are over 60 organizations in the Bay Area with a budget of approximately $20 million dollars dedicated to fighting what they believe is a pro-Israel bias in America.  Much of that is done through their organizing these rallies.

3. The question on many people’s minds is why Israel is using such strong force right now.  The main answer is that the majority of Israeli society has finally said “enough is enough.”  You will hear that line quoted often by Israelis in interviews.  When Israel literally ended its occupation of the Gaza Strip in 2004 by removing 9000 of its own citizens, many of them forcefully, they hoped that it would be a first step toward peace.  However, more than 3000 rockets and mortar shells were fired in 2008 alone, many of them during the “ceasefire.”  To protect its citizenry, Israel feels it needs to do more, especially since Hamas unilaterally ended the cease-fire after 6 months and still calls for the ultimate destruction of the entire State of Israel.  I’m getting into real specifics here, but it’s not only the number, but the range of these rockets that matter.  Hamas now has the ability to fire longer-range rockets that can land in bigger Israeli population centers such as Tel Aviv.  Israel’s military objective is to wipe out this capability before it is a reality.  I was reminded today by the Consul General that Israel takes more pains than any other army in the world to avoid civilian targets.  Foreign Minister Tzipi Livni was quoted as saying that Israel has made 90,000 phone calls asking civilians to leave certain areas at particular times.  Nevertheless, dozens of innocent people have been caught in the crossfire, and it should stir compassion in all of us for these Palestinian victims.

4. Israelis want to feel they are not alone.  If there is one sentiment that I hear over and over again from friends in Israel it is that they are not going through this alone.  Israelis often feel that the entire world is against them no matter what they do.  Certainly the pullout from the Gaza Strip brought them neither safety nor long-term world support.  They want us to imagine what we might do if the Bay Area were attacked with thousands of rockets, to sympathize with their plight.  You can help by calling friends and relatives you know in Israel, writing letters to the editor, calling into radio talk shows, discussing the issue, as hard as it is to do, with friends and neighbors, and, of course, by praying for them.  Locally, there are several events you can attend as well, though many are on Saturdays so I can’t officially recommend them.  There is one this Saturday at the Civic Center and another in Oakland (a counter-rally to the Women in Black.)

5. I believe everyone in our community is both pro Israel and pro Peace.  We differ on how best to achieve those objectives.  Just because a person defends Israel’s right to try and wipe out Hamas does not mean he/she does not support a peace process.  By the same token, just as not all of us approve of every action the United States takes, not all of us approve of every action Israel takes.  The synagogue has to be a safe and supportive environment for a broad spectrum of beliefs.  I just ask that you be aware that, particularly in the Bay Area, there are many people whose anti-Israel actions are underscored by anti-Semitic roots and feelings. 

If any of you want to talk to me about your feelings, feel free to give me a call.  Until then, let us hope and pray for peace in Israel and the world.  “Adonai oz l’amo yiten Adonai yivarech et amo vashalom.”

L’shalom,

Rabbi Mark Bloom

Temple Beth Abraham, Oakland, CA

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Cultural Jews

“I’m culturally Jewish.”  How many times have I heard this?  Too many to count.  What does it mean?  It means different things to different people.  The common thread is, “I don’t believe in God.”  Let’s not even go into what “God” means; let’s jump right to what does “cultural” mean?  For the non-Jewish partner this can be like a visit to a nonexistent country – a series of no statements.  No God, no ritual, no prayers, no spirituality, no belonging.  The non-Jewish partner may begin to believe that this means we can have an American home - but then the Jew adds some more Nos – no Christmas, no church services, no carols that include Jesus.  Now “cultural”  sounds stingy and flavorless.

The Jewish partner may try to explain Jewish culture.  If it’s a meeting between me and the couple this is often when the Jewish partner turns to me and says, “You know, Jewish culture.”

So what the devil is “Jewish culture?”  First the bad news, it comes from Jewish religion.  There is no food, music, art, dance or even language that is universal to all Jews everywhere.  What is universal is the religion of Judaism.  BUT!  Now the good news, where ever Jews went on the planet they took their religion and adapted it to the host country, creating a Jewish version of that place – i.e. Jewish culture.  So you have the Jewish culture of Mexico and the Jewish culture of Morocco and so on  – each with their own food, music, language, etc.

So when the Jewish partner says, “I’m culturally Jewish” there’s a lot to explore.

What country or countries does the Jew in question come from?  I met a man a couple weeks ago who was born in Iran, his family moved to Israel when he was a little boy and then to the US when he was a teen.  So he has multiple languages, foods, music, etc. to share with his soon to be spouse. 

My sister-in-law’s family came from Tunisia.  The family was expelled when her parents were young adults and fled to France.  Her wedding to my Ashkenazi brother-in-law included arab, French and American elements.  The food, all kosher, was middle Eastern at one of the banquets and French at another.  Her parents speak three languages – Arabic, Hebrew, and French plus few words of English.  The bridal parties included belly dancing and henna.  My sister-in-law thinks American Jews eat too much “white food!”  Bagels, challah and gefilte fish all horrify her.  Why have a fiddle when you can use a drum?

What is YOUR Jewish culture?

Begin by exploring your roots.  Most American Jews are Ashkenazi – that is, originating from Eastern Europe and from a community that spoke Yiddish.  Go to the Jewish museums, music festivals, art & food fairs and find the elements that represent “Jewish” to you.  That’s your Jewish culture.  It will probably include Klezmer music, bagels, Yiddishisms, and images of bearded men dressed in long black coats.  None of this would be culturally appropriate for my sister-in-law but it will be for the majority of American Jews.

Buy recordings of old Jewish comedians – and new/young ones.  Talk about why the jokes are funny.  Don’t assume that everyone gets the jokes you get.  (I was at a Jewish conference a few years back and there was a Jewish comedian entertaining us.  We were roaring.  The young Hispanic facilities man sat by handling the sound with a placid expression.  Finally the comedian turned to him after a wonderful bris joke and said, “So, you getting any of this?”  “No,” smiled the man.)

Catch Jewish art exhibits when they are in town.  A Chagall exhibit was in San Francisco about a year ago.  Watch the paper.  

There is an annual Jewish Music Festival that is managed out of the Berkeley JCC but has performances all around the bay.  Check them out online at:

http://www.jcceastbay.org/jcc/jewish_music_festival.htm

The Judah L. Magnes Museum in Berkeley has rotating exhibits.  Go for a visit.  Get info online at:  http://www.magnes.org/

One of the easiest ways to learn is by watching a film.  The fantastic San Francisco Jewish Film Festival comes every year, get a brochure or look online at: www.sfjff.org

San Jose and Contra Costa also have film festivals so you don’t have to go far from home to see a film.

Contra Costa: www.eastbayjewishfilm.org/

Silicon Valley: www.sjjff.org

Or just go rent an old film and watch it with an interpretive eye.  Explain the details.

Try any Mel Brooks film –

The Producers

The Frisco Kid

The History of the World: Part one

Exodus

Fiddler on the Roof

Old black and white Yiddish films like The Dybbuk or Yidl Mitn Fidl.

Modern films from around the world.

Being Jewish in France

The Year My Parents Went on Vacation

All of these can start conversations about what it means to be Jewish, for the most part, without a religious component.  Religion exists on the sides of some of these films, just the way it hovers on the side of the lives of cultural Jews.

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Yom Kippur begins Wednesday night

I hate fasting.  Let me count the ways.

1. I hate having to get off coffee and caffeine so that I won’t have a headache all day.

2. I hate feeling weak and lacking focus.

3. I hate being thirsty and that dry sound your mouth makes.

4. I hate feeling tired.

5. Oh, yes, I also hate being hungry.

I trust that right about now you’re thinking, hey, it’s a free country!  No one is forcing you; so don’t fast!

But I love fasting.  I love it for the same reasons that Rashid gave for fasting on Ramadan – it gives a framework, a practice, a ritual that defines one’s life.  A dear friend of mine, also Muslim, told me he doesn’t fast here in the USA but back home in Algeria he always did.  “The whole community is together.  And the break the fast is wonderful!  Of course you do it to be part of your community.”

I fast to be “together” with my fellow Jews.  If they can do it, so can I!  So I’m weaning myself from coffee – trust me, I’ll be back to it come Friday morning!  I’ll eat lightly the day before just to get my system ready.  I’ll drink plenty of water the day before.

I extend to all of you the traditional greeting – may you have an easy fast.

A friend who will be fasting for the first time emailed me to ask what to expect, what if he feels dizzy?  What if he thinks he is going to pass out?  What would everyone else be doing?

To tell you the truth, I have seen a young man pass out.  So don’t do anything foolish.  If you feel weak, overly exhausted, light headed, sick – go drink something and eat something.  You are forbidden to endanger your health.  If you have medicines that you take daily – take them.  If they must be taking with food, eat!

What do others do?  Some people go to services, go home & take a nap, come back later.  Some leave after the morning services and just go home and eat lunch.  Some people never leave the synagogue; they stay for the discussions or study sessions (many synagogues have things going on in the afternoon).

Remember that this year can also be a trial run.  There are definitely “do overs” in Judaism.  It’s called: next year.

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Getting Connected

This last week I made a series of calls to see how folks were doing.  One person said, I just use your list of events, Dawn.  I go and I participate. 

Not everyone can do that.  Several others told me different stories. 

I don’t really like to go into a crowd where I don’t know anyone.

Our congregation is nice, but we haven’t really made friends yet.

I wish I could talk to someone one-on-one.

I confess, I’m the same way.  I’m a people person.  I prefer to go places with a friend.  I like to have someone I know to sit next to, eat lunch with, go to the museum or park or movie.  If you are trying to connect in a congregation, call me.  After all these years at this job I know someone just about everywhere.  I think it’s easier if you go to services with a potential friend.  Maybe go out for lunch or coffee so you can talk about what it is you hope to find at the congregation. 

One young woman told me that all she needed was that first family to sit with.  They introduced her to a couple people.  “The second time I went, I saw someone I already knew!”

You may not feel a connection in just two visits, but that’s OK, maybe you’ll go with a few  different potential friends.   

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