Thu 25 Feb 2010
Last week I told you that I would talk about sitting shiva – observing death in a Jewish home. Here are some basics to help you understand the role of sitting shiva and to help you decide whether you are going to want to do this should you experience a loss. Remember, you will need help and you can and should call your rabbi.
When I read about the rituals around death and mourning I just keep thinking that the ancient rabbis were really therapists. Instead of leaving the grieving person to run around trying to bury their loved one, keep their job going, do the shopping and feed the kids they said, STOP, the mourner must mourn and the community must care for them.
Jewish law states that the mourners are not to bathe or shave. The mirrors of the home are covered so that they are not distracted by their appearance. They tear their clothes as a symbol of the fact that their loved one has been torn away from them. A tear on the left side over the heart indicates the loss was a parent and a tear over the right side indicates other relatives. The tear is made at the time of hearing of the death or at the burial. In modern times you will often see a torn ribbon pinned to clothing rather than a literal tear.
The community is to bring food to the house of mourning FOR the mourners. Often these days you’ll see a spread put out for the people who come to the shiva. But food is actually not supposed to be for the visitors; it is for the family so that they don’t have to cook. Often grief makes us lose our appetite. Who wants to cook then? So the community provides. Still if there are fifteen platters of cold cuts the food is often fed to the visitors because there is too much for the family. Frankly, I always see the community providing a big spread at a shiva.
At a shiva
It is a mitzvah, a positive commandment, to go to a house of mourning, to comfort the bereaved and to assure that there will be a minyan (ten Jews) to recite the prayer for the deceased with the bereaved family.
Traditionally you bring food to a house of mourning. It need not be on any particular day. So if you miss the first day, bring them something later. When taking food it is common to take round (or oval) food to symbolize the circle of life. You’ll see lentil dishes and hard boiled eggs. But any food is fine. Take a salad, a casserole, a loaf of bread. In a traditional environment you say a blessing before eating. When you eat at a shiva, preceded with a blessing, your blessing is said “for” the deceased and it is to their credit.
You are not supposed to speak to a mourner but to respond when spoken too. However, many people are uncomfortable in total silence and it is appropriate to say something simple like, I am so sorry for your loss. This allows them to control the conversation and to talk about what they want to, with whom they want to. In conversation with the mourner you are supposed to talk about their memories of their loved one, recalling times of health and happiness. The goal is to support positive memories rather than only the recent difficult times.
Traditionally the mourners sit on the floor or on low stools reflecting their state of mind.
After the week of shiva those close to the mourner are to walk with them down the street and back. This symbolized the gradual return to daily life.
The goal of the week of shiva is to allow the mourner live in the reality of their loss. If any of you have lost a loved one you know the things that run through your mind – is this true? How can I go back and prevent it? Word will come and they won’t actually be dead. I can’t bear this; I won’t be able to go on. The mourner needd support thorough a period that may feel un-survivable.
Jewish law prescribes that the family will observe shiva (sit shiva) for seven days. The Hebrew word, shiva, comes from the word for seven. They do NOT sit on Shabbat, so no shiva on a Friday night. So you actually sit for six nights. In a Reform or Conservative home the family may opt to sit fewer nights.
It can be helpful to see what Jewish law prescribes so that you will understand the basis on which the variations of Conservative, Reform, Renewal, Reconstructionist and secular Judaism builds. Here is a website that goes into great detail:
http://www.aish.com/jl/l/48958936.html#shiva
Of course, call or email me if you want to discuss any of this in greater detail or relating to your own life.
Best wishes and an early Shabbat Shalom to you all,
Dawn
EVENTS
Celebration of Purim for Young Children (El Cerrito)
Purim According to The Beatles (Lafayette)
Purim Spiel: Motown Megillah (Oakland)
Purim Carnival (Oakland)
Purim Carnival (Berkeley)
Purim Unmasked: Off Street Festival (San Francisco)
Non-Jewish Partner Discussion (Palo Alto)
Growing Your Child’s Identity in an Interfaith Family (San Francisco and Marin)
Interfaith Connection Potluck Shabbat Dinner (San Francisco)
Interactive Tot Seder (Palo Alto)
On One Foot Seder (Palo Alto)
Talk Amongst Yourselves Seder (Palo Alto)
Celebrate Second Night of Passover at Beth Am (Los Altos)
Celebration of Purim for Young Children
Join other families with young children to enjoy puppets, songs, stories, costumes, and holiday treats! Open to all children age 0-5 years and those who love them . . . whether you’re Jewish or just curious. Feel free to invite friends who might be interested!
Our gathering will be led by Rabbi Bridget Wynne and beloved early childhood specialist Mimi Greisman. Space is limited. Early RSVP recommended.
Date: Saturday, February 27
Time: 10:30am-12:00pm
Place: Jewish Gateways, 409 Liberty St., El Cerrito
Info: 510-559-8140
http://www.jewishgateways.org/
COST: Free for first-time participants, RSVP required.
http://www.jewishgateways.org/node/161/signup
Purim According to The Beatles!
Kids and adults of all ages are invited to join us for a fun, exciting and silly retelling of the Purim story. This year’s shpiel features the songs of the Beatles! Dress up, watch your fellow congregants perform, get ready to boo Haman & cheer for Mordachei!
Date: Sat., Feb. 27
Time: 6:30pm
Place: Temple Isaiah, 3800 Mt. Diablo Blvd., Lafayette
FREE
Info at www.temple-isaiah.org
Purim Spiel: Motown Megillah
Beginning with Havdallah, join us as we read from the Book of Esther, drown out Haman’s name with groggers, and sing along to familiar songs. Motown Megillah is directed by Jackie Berkman, musical direction by Lucy Harris, featuring the Temple Sinai band and starring members of the congregation. Laugh, sing, dance and celebrate Purim!
Date: Saturday, February 27
Time: 6:30pm
Place: Temple Sinai, 2808 Summit St., Oakland
Info: call Gabby at 510-451-3263.
Purim Carnival
Join us at the Purim carnival. We’ll have challenging games, thrilling prizes, delicious food and lots of fun! These events have no admission charge. Tickets for activity booths and food during the carnival will be available for purchase.
Date: Sunday, February 28
Time: Noon
Place: At the Jeep dealership across the street from Temple Sinai which is at 2808 Summit St., Oakland
http://www.oaklandsinai.org/jewish_life/holidays.php?page=180
Call the Temple Sinai Education office for more info at 510-451-3263
Purim Carnival
Come join us at the JCC East Bay for an afternoon of fun!
2-3pm Purim puppets, songs, and stories for young children
2-4:30pm Carnival booths, games, face painting, hamentaschen, bouncy house, magician, crafts, & more! Make mischloah manot (Purim baskets) for members of our community
4:30-5pm Come in costume for the costume parade, followed by our Purim Spiel (a comic retelling of the story of Purim!)
Date: Sunday, Feb. 28
Time: 2 to 5pm
Place: JCC of the East Bay, 1414 Walnut St., Berkeley
FREE!
Info: http://prod.jcceastbay.org/jewish_life/holidays.html
Cosponsored by Jewish Gateways and Congregation Beth El.
Purim Unmasked: Off Street Festival
Celebrating Jewish Identity and survival, Purim is traditionally observed with a joyous, irreverent and carnival-like festivities. Celebrate the holiday with food, wine, music and activities including face painting, henna art and hamantaschen baking. Browse for unique items and crafts by local artists. There’s something fun for everyone!
Date: Sunday, Feb. 28
Time: 11am
Place: San Francisco JCC, 3200 California St., San Francisco
FREE
www.jccsf.org
Presented in partnership with Be’chol Lashon
Non-Jewish Partner Discussion
Are you not Jewish, but keeping a Jewish home and raising Jewish kids?
Do you have questions about “doing Jewish,” or Jewish home rituals?
Do you have concerns about your child’s coming bar/bat mitzvah?
Has something bothered you or puzzled you in the Jewish community?
Are some (or all) of the holidays confusing? Or fun, but you still have questions?
Do you practice another religion and wonder how other families balance the demands of multiple religious needs in one home?
Join me, Dawn, to discuss the questions and concerns that arise as you navigate your way through an interfaith/intercultural life.
Date: Sundays, March 7 and March 21 (2 meetings)
Time: 7:00-8:30pm
Place: Oshman Family JCC, 3921 Fabian Way, Palo Alto
Cost: $20/member, $25/non-member of the Palo Alto JCC
To sign up contact: Cody Schaffner at the JCC, Phone: (650) 223-8788 or cschaffner@paloaltojcc.org
Growing Your Child’s Identity in an Interfaith Family
Children move through a variety of developmental stages. How can we support their identity development and family attachment in age appropriate ways? Children in interfaith families are integrating multiple traditions and family heritages, we will look at how to weave together disparate backgrounds into one whole “self.”
San Francisco Brandeis Day School, 655 Brotherhood Way, San Francisco
Monday, March 15, 2010
7 to 8:30pm
AND
Marin Brandeis Hillel Day School, 180 North San Pedro Rd., San Rafael
April 27, 2010
8:30am to 10am
FREE and open to the community.
For more information email Dawn at dawn@buildingjewishbridges.org
Interfaith Connection Potluck Shabbat Dinner
Please join us for our next Interfaith Potluck Shabbat Dinner. Please tell us what you plan to bring to share with the group. We look forward to seeing you all there and to celebrating Shabbat with you!
Date: Friday, March 19
Time: 6:30pm
Place: Home of Helena & Mark McMahon in San Francisco. Contact Helena to sign up and to get directions for the dinner. 415-292-1200.
Interactive Tot Seder
Designed to meet the needs of preschoolers (ages 2-5) and parents. The children will work on a special art project and hear Passover stories. You will end by 7:30 p.m.
Date: Tuesday March 30
Time: 5:00pm doors open, 5:30 pm Kiddush, Seder starts after Kiddush
Place: Congregation Etz Chayim; 4161 Alma Street, Palo Alto Ca 94306
Cost: $55/adult, $30 per child (ages 5-12), $8/tot (ages 2-4)
For more info call the synagogue at 650-813-9094 x201
On One Foot Seder
Like it short and to the point? Melissa Rogoway, Etz Chayim education director, will lead an interactive seder with music, dance, and drama. The Seder will last an hour before dinner.
Date: Tuesday March 30
Time: 5:00pm doors open, 5:30 pm Kiddush, Seder starts after Kiddush
Place: Congregation Etz Chayim; 4161 Alma Street, Palo Alto Ca 94306
Cost: $55/adult, $30 per child (ages 5-12), $8/tot (ages 2-4)
For more info call the synagogue at 650-813-9094 x201
Talk Amongst Yourselves Seder
Want to ask lots of questions? Rabbi Rachel Solomin will lead with lots of singing and discussion. Plan on at least 11/2 hours before dinner. This is a more traditional, adult-oriented Seder.
Date: Tuesday March 30
Time: 5:00pm doors open, 5:30 pm Kiddush, Seder starts after Kiddush
Place: Congregation Etz Chayim; 4161 Alma Street, Palo Alto Ca 94306
Cost: $55/adult, $30 per child (ages 5-12), $8/tot (ages 2-4)
For more info call the synagogue at 650-813-9094 x201
Celebrate Second Night of Passover at Beth Am
Beth Am’s Community Seder, led by Rabbi Adam Rosenwasser, will be held on the second night of Passover, Tuesday, March 30. Enjoy a delicious multi-course meal without having to cook, clean up or remember where you hid the afikomen.
Passover is sometimes called the Festival of Freedom and celebrates the Israelites’ deliverance from Egypt’s bondage over 3,200 years ago. Each year at this time, Jews all over the world gather with family, friends and even strangers, to honor and remember our enslaved ancestors and rejoice in the freedom we enjoy today.
Date: Tuesday, March 30
Time: 6 p.m.
Place: Social Hall of Beth Am, 26790 Arastradero Road, Los Altos Hills
Be sure to sign up for Beth Am’s Community Seder in advance. If cost hinders your participation, please speak with Executive Director Debbie Coutant in confidence. For more information, please contact Emily Osterman at eosterman@betham.org or call (650) 493-4661.
Cost $44.00 per adult; $24.00 per child (12 and under).
Reservations open to non-members starting Tuesday, March 16.
Download an RSVP form here:
RSVP deadline: Tuesday, March 23. Seating is limited.
Please mail your completed reservation form, with a check payable to Congregation Beth Am, to: 26790 Arastradero Road, Los Altos Hills, CA 94022, Attn: Emily Osterman
Posted by admin under Death & Mourning, Purim
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