The HARD side of interfaith relationships and the Jewish world
A member of this list asked me to pass along to you his painful experience. His wife is not Jewish and his brother has rejected his family – both JB’s wife and son. JB feels that he has lost his own brother and his nephew. Additionally he has felt judged by other Jews around him because of his interfaith family. He acknowledges that the Bay Area is a more welcoming environment than the East coast but he still suffers from bad experiences.

In the Community
Bad things happen. People are cruel. I cannot change that. But I can equip you to deal with it. First, always feel free to contact me. We can talk about what YOU are dealing with, what you want and how to move forward.

Let’s start at the traditional end of the spectrum. Yes, traditional Jewish law traces Jewish identity by the mother. So you were either born to a Jewish woman or you converted. Yes, you can convert a child. This is your decision. If you want to have your child converted, I can help you do that. There is absolutely nothing wrong with conversion, nor is there anything wrong with choosing a Conservative or Orthodox community for you and your family. There are people on this list who have done that.

If converting your child makes you angry then you need to seek out a Jewish community that accepts patrilineal descent. The Reform movement accepted this in 1983. The Renewal, Reconstructionist and Humanist movements also follow this tradition. The caveat is that all Jewishly identified children in these synagogues/movements must be raised Jewish. That means you can’t be passive, you must give your child a Jewish education and they must celebrate Jewish lifecycle events. You can go to any synagogue from these movements and raise your child as a Jew.

Will random Jews – and even non-Jews make comments that you find offensive? Of course. Rude people exist everywhere. Try to keep it in perspective. If you don’t have a snappy comeback (we’ve all thought up great comebacks once we get home) then in the moment you can simply say, “That was unkind and hurtful.” A simple, true statement. Then turn and walk away.

Make an effort to put comments in perspective; don’t give cruel people control of your self esteem or your life choices!

In the Family
Family is another issue. Their hurtful statements go deep. The situation above needs therapy. No healthy person, Jewish or not, would suggest cutting off family members so summarily. My heart goes out to JB and his loss. Truthfully, I find that people who behave like this are not reacting about religion. Something more troubling is under the surface. I have told troubled families to go to therapy; I have given referrals; I have advised family members to take a break from each other until some counseling has been done. Do not remain in the same room with someone who is mistreating you or your family members.

All religions with which I am familiar teach people to seek a thoughtful and caring resolution to conflict. You deserve kindness. Find the people and the places where you get it. Call me and we’ll find the place that is right for you.

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When I was a newlywed I joined a book club and met an interesting couple.  They were a couple decades older than I, wealthy, intelligent, interesting.  About three years into the club I was sitting in their lovely garden and Risa said to me, “The book club saved my marriage.” 

I was startled.  “It did?  How?” I asked.

“Over the years we became more and more focused on the kids.  When the last one left for college we looked at each other and had nothing to say.  Then we joined the club.  We read together, discussed the ideas.  We found new interest in each other.”

 

I never forgot that valuable information she shared with me.  Never put your spouse in last place.  Communication isn’t enough; you must find shared meaning in life.  I urge each of you to do the same.  Have you thought about participating in a couples discussion group but felt you couldn’t carve out the time?  What is more important than your relationship?  

 

Worried that talking about the issues will only make them worse?  I remember the woman who told me, “I thought we were stuck, Dawn.  I felt hopeless when we first came.  I didn’t know we could be so happy!”

 

Give yourself a new year’s gift.  Give the time to get closer to your partner.  Your children will thank you.

 

I’m putting together a couples group now.  Email me.

 

I am listing events below.  The one’s in RED are mine own workshops.  I hope to see you at one of them.

 

Cheers,

Dawn

 

 

EVENTS

Something’s Cooking Under the Dome   (San Francisco)

Jewbilee (Los Gatos)

Morasha (Inheritance): Oakland Learns Together (Oakland)

A Jewish Take on the Seven Deadly Sins (San Rafael)

Our Wider Jewish Family: Understanding Conversion (San Francisco)

Tu b’Shv’at Seder Dinner (Palo Alto)

Celebrating Jewish and Christian Holidays in an Interfaith Family (San Francisco)

Live in San Francisco: The Macaroons In Concert!  (San Francisco)

Terrific Grandparenting in an Interfaith Family (Oakland)

Non-Jewish Partner Discussion (Palo Alto)

Growing Your Child’s Identity in an Interfaith Family (San Francisco and San Rafael)

 

 

 

Something’s Cooking Under the Dome
Ongoing classes taught by guest cooks at Congregation Sherith Israel:

1/24/10: Gabrielle Moskowitz, Vegetarian Cooking

2/28/10: Mojdeh Stone and her mother, Purim and Persian Cooking

3/21/10: Jacalyn Kornblatt, Passover Cooking

 

Dates:   Sundays, next class Jan. 24

Time:    10am to noon

Place:   Congregation Sherith Israel. 2266 California Street (@ Webster) San Francisco, CA 94115.

Fee: Per class: $8 members/ $10 nonmembers; Series: $36 members/$45 nonmembers. For more information call Sherith Israel at 415-346-1720, x30.

 

 

 

Jewbilee

An afternoon of exciting array of activities, led by rabbis from all Jewish denominations, professors from Bay Area universities and colleges, teachers, artists, performers and students.  Check out the website for full details.

http://www.svjcc.org/jplace/jewbilee/

 

Date:    January 24

Time:    1:00pm-8:00pm

Place:   Addison-Penzak JCC, 14855 Oka Rd., Los Gatos
Info:     408.357.7413

Tickets are $7for adults, $4 students/seniors, children under 4 free; Childcare available.

 

 

 

Morasha (Inheritance): Oakland Learns Together

All four Oakland-Piedmont synagogues will once again join together for an evening of communal learning! Beth Jacob Congregation, Temple Beth Abraham, Temple Sinai & Kehilla Community Synagogue invite you to engage in a stimulating & lively study of our traditional texts. This learning experience will include chevruta (partnered or small group) learning, as well as a panel discussion of the text. Panelists will include rabbis & educators from each synagogue. The text will be studied in English, with Hebrew provided for those who prefer. No background necessary! Simply bring your desire to be with the community & your love of learning! Topic: Aharon’s sons Nadav and Avihu.

 

Date:    Sun. Jan. 24

Time:    7:00 pm

Place:   Temple Beth Abraham, 327 MacArthur Blvd., Oakland

For more information call Dawn at 510-845-6420 x11

 

 

A Jewish Take on the Seven Deadly Sins
Join guest speaker Rabbi Melanie Aron of Shir Hadash, Los Gatos for the January session of Exploring the World of Judaism. 

 

Sunday, Jan. 24

Time:    9:30 to 11:30am

Place:   Osher Marin JCC Lounge, 200 North San Pedro Rd., San Rafael

No reservations necessary.  

Co-sponsored with Rodef Sholom. Free to Rodef Sholom congregants; small donation suggested for non-congregants. Refreshments will be served. 

Info: 415-479.3441

 

 

 

Our Wider Jewish Family: Understanding Conversion

Dinner and lecture with Rabbi Mark E. Washofsky
6 pm – deli dinner by Max’s Restaurant
7 pm – lecture, FREE
In the biblical era, a “Jew” was born to a Hebrew or Israelite father, married a Hebrew or Israelite man, or simply followed the ways of the patriarchs or Torah. The Rabbinic era created a formal – and not always easy – conversion process. Join Rabbi Washofsky to discover how and why that process emerged – and what it means to us today.

 

Date:    Thursday, Jan. 28

Time:    6pm for dinner, 7pm for the lecture

Place:   Sherith Israel. 2266 California Street (@ Webster) San Francisco

Price: Lecture is free. Dinner for CSI members – no charge; nonmembers – $10. Dinner registration required by Monday, January 25, 2010. Contact Gabi Moskowitz, 415.346.1720, ext 24 or gmoskowitz@sherithisrael.org.

 

 

 

Tu b’Shv’at Seder Dinner

What is T”u b’Shvat? It is a celebration of the trees’ new year and a chance to partake of their fruit as well as the fruit of the vine. The Tu b’Shevat seder is an event unlike any other, reaching into kabbalistic ritual to explore the physical and metaphysical elements that connect us to the earth. And when else can you have an excuse to drink four different colors of grape juice (or wine, if you prefer) in one evening?  This special celebration at Etz Chayim features an informal vegetarian meal with a variety of tree-related foods, including an assortment of fruits and nuts that reflect the meaning of Tu b’sh’vat.

We welcome new faces and would love to have you join us to celebrate Tu b’Shv’at with us. If you would like to join us please your check or call the office 650 813-9094 for more details.

 

Date:    Friday, Jan. 29

Time:    6:30pm

Place:   Congregation Etz Chayim, 4161 Alma St., Palo Alto

See costs on the downloadable flier here:

http://www.etzchayim.org/Downloads/PDFs/OtherDocs/TuBishvatFlyer2010.pdf

 

 

 

Celebrating Jewish and Christian Holidays in an Interfaith Family

Christmas and Chanukah, Easter and Passover, December and April can be challenging times for Jewish families and interfaith families.  The whole country seems to be wrapped up in a holiday that Jews don’t observe.  Can an interfaith family celebrate both holidays?  How would that work for the kids?  Why do Jews react against Christian holidays?  Can the anxiety be eased?  Will children raised celebrating Christmas and/or Easter feel Jewish when they grow up?  Join other interfaith families to explore these issues.

 

Date:    Jan. 31

Time: 10am to 11:45am

Place: Beth Israel Judea, 625 Brotherhood Way, San Francisco

Cost: $7; free to Beth Israel Judea members

For more information all Dawn at 510-845-6420 x11

 

 

 

Live in San Francisco: The Macaroons In Concert!

JDub’s 1st kids band, The Macaroons, bring their irresistible melodies, big harmonies and catchy tunes to PJ Library® families and more in the Bay Area. What’s inside a mezuzah? What should you do if you drop your matzoh ball on the ground? Who’s the man we love to boo? The Macaroons will answer these important questions and more.

FREE juice boxes for kids, Kids Menu available.

 

Date:    Sunday, February 7

Time:    Doors open at 11:00am; show at 11:30am – 12:30pm

Place:   Cafe du Nord, 2174 Market St., San Francisco

Tickets: $10 per person, Special Family Pack of 4 tickets: $20 (enter access code pjsf)

Infants in arms FREE

 

 

 

Terrific Grandparenting in an Interfaith Family

Your kid(s) married non-Jews, now they have kids, or you hope they will, but there’s no clear agenda for how those grandchildren will be raised.  Maybe you’ve heard:

 

We’ll expose them to both

We’ll raise them Jewish with an understanding of Christianity

I’m not as attached to Judaism as you are, Mom & Dad

We’ll see

Don’t ask me, we haven’t decided yet

 

Or maybe you haven’t raised the topic for fear of upsetting a delicate balance.

Get active!  Met with other parents & grandparents to talk about ways to be a pro-active Jewish grandparent.  You can show respect to your kids while maintaining open communication, sharing beloved memories, and building strong and loving bonds with your kids and grandkids.

 

Date:    Monday, Feb. 22

Time:    7pm

Place:   In Private home in Oakland

Free to members of Temple Sinai; $7 for non-members

Call Dawn for details at 845-6420 x11 or email me.

 

 

 

Non-Jewish Partner Discussion

Are you not Jewish, but keeping a Jewish home and raising Jewish kids?

Do you have questions about “doing Jewish,” or Jewish home rituals?

Do you have concerns about your child’s coming bar/bat mitzvah?

Has something bothered you or puzzled you in the Jewish community?

Are some (or all) of the holidays confusing?  Or fun, but you still have questions?

Do you practice another religion and wonder how other families balance the demands of multiple religious needs in one home?

 

Join me, Dawn, to discuss the questions and concerns that arise as you navigate your way through an interfaith/intercultural life.

 

Date:    Sundays, March 7 and March 21 (2 meetings)

Time:    7:00-8:30pm

Place:   Oshman Family JCC, 3921 Fabian Way, Palo Alto

Cost:    $20/member, $25/non-member of the Palo Alto JCC

To sign up contact: Cody Schaffner at the JCC, Phone: (650) 223-8788 or cschaffner@paloaltojcc.org

 

 

 

 

Growing Your Child’s Identity in an Interfaith Family

Children move through a variety of developmental stages. How can we support their identity development and family attachment in age appropriate ways? Children in interfaith families are integrating multiple traditions and family heritages, we will look at how to weave together disparate backgrounds into one whole “self.”

 

San Francisco Brandeis Day School, 655 Brotherhood Way, San Francisco

Monday, March 15, 2010

7 to 8:30pm

AND

Marin Brandeis Hillel Day School, 180 North San Pedro Rd., San Rafael

April 27, 2010

8:30am to 10am

 

FREE and open to the community.

For more information email Dawn at dawn@buildingjewishbridges.org

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Of the many kinds of calls that I get, couples seeking a rabbi for their wedding is at the very top of the reasons list.  The caller is more frequently a woman, whether she is Jewish or not.  It could be because the woman is usually planning the wedding day, but I believe it is also because women are more comfortable opening a conversation that may involve some emotions.  Not that men can’t do that, but our culture discourages them from it.  The men who call me are usually in touch with their feelings.

Most of the callers make these three comments:

1. The non-Jewish partner is interested in Judaism but will not be converting.  (Although I have never inquired about conversion nor do the many rabbis I work with, this seems to be on the mind and in the conversation of most couples. 

2. We want a rabbi to participate in the ceremony.  (But few have asked themselves, “why?”) 

3. We are worried that rabbis are going to be difficult to talk to, so we’re calling you.

1. Conversion
Conversion in Judaism must be an impulse of the heart.  In fact, converting people who are marrying Jews has at times been forbidden since it was seen as an act of convenience that would be a disservice to the individual in the long term.  BUT it is very good and healthy that the couple has discussed it!  The more communication you’ve had, the better.  Knowing that the Jewish partner cares about this topic is important information to the non-Jewish partner.  Letting the Jewish partner know that this is not on the agenda is important information for the Jewish partner.

2. We want a rabbi… why?
There are many reasons to have a rabbi for your officiant.  But there are bad reasons along with the good ones.  Are you doing this solely to keep your dad or aunt from being angry at you?  Don’t start your life off in subjugation to someone else.  This may be the moment to say, NO.
Do you want a rabbi because you can’t imagine a wedding being “real” without one?  Good information for you to be aware of and share with your spouse-to-be!  It means that there are other “real” elements of Judaism that are going to pop up in your life and better to talk to your fiance now about both your, and their, cultural norms.

3. A rabbi will be difficult
I can’t think of a single rabbi in the entire bay area that is going to be a pill.  He or she may not be able or willing to perform your wedding but they will be helpful and decent.  But if you’ve had a bad experience, or you’d like a supporter – that’s my JOB!  So call me. 

What happens if you call me?
First, it’s free.  I know you’ve been making a list of the costs of your wedding, but calling me – as many times as you need – is FREE. 

The first thing I’m going to tell you is that each couple is unique.  I have to hear from you about you so that I can give you names and numbers for rabbis that I think fit you.  Just like picking your music, your flowers, your menu, the elements of your wedding reflect who you are.  The same will be true of your officiant. 

I have helped couples find rabbis in Florida and France.  But I am much more knowledgeable and helpful with bay area rabbis, cantors and officiants because I live here and know them.

Getting married?  Mazel tov!
Call me, I love talking to brides and grooms. 
(510) 845-6420  x11

You can listen to a podcast on this topic by going to www.lehrhaus.org, look in the lower left corner for the 7 Minute Scholar and click on the topic, A Rabbi for Your Interfaith Wedding.

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What! No chuppah?!

Did you (or will you) get married this week? We are making history this week! If you are one of the hundreds of LGBT couples who tied the knot this week, or are planning to, I want to wish you a Mazel Tov! But don’t stop there – if you want a Jewish wedding, call me. Consider being married under a chuppah.

Many are now in the throes of planning weddings. Rabbis have been performing LGBT weddings all along. But some friends have told me that they aren’t havng a religious wedding until it’s legal. Well, it’s legal. So time to think rings, flowers, friends, and food. Will it be outside, in a synagogue, in a hall, in your parents’ back yard?

What elements do you want to include? Jewish wedding elements include:

Chuppah

The Seven Blessings

Breaking the glass

Circling your partner

Ketubah (wedding contract)

Exchange of rings

Going to the mikvah

Want to discuss weddings, officiants, where to rent a chuppah and what constitutes a mikvah? Give me a call. I love wedding plans!

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What is Jewish community in America?
One of the confusing things about Jewish community is the feel of it – it’s different from mainstream American community. For folks who aren’t Jewish it can seem to make sense that Jews are different – even if they can’t quite put their finger on why. But for American Jews it can be baffling – why do I feel different or out of place? After all, I grew up here. At the heart of the matter is this: Jewish culture is communal – group oriented – in nature and American culture is individual. Think of John Wayne, Indiana Jones, Daniel Boone, Lewis and Clark – all American heros who rode off into the wilderness – alone. The American dream is that an individual through hard work can rise to wealth and greater independence. If you become wealthy enough you can pay for your own home, car, health care, vacations, etc.

On the other hand, Judaism’s greatest hero is Moses. When Moses rode (or walked) off into the wilderness he took the whole Jewish family along, the women and children, the weak as well as the strong, the complainers with the enthusiasts. Moses complained to God about the incredible hassle the children of Israel were, but he also defended and protected them from everyone, including God. The Jewish dream is a time of peace for all the Jews, an end to persecution and the return to Zion. The expectation is that each Jew will care for all the other Jews, sublimating his or her own personal desires for the greater good.

Now sit with that for a moment. That means as an American Jew you are both told to work hard, get ahead, become wealthy enough to be self sufficient… and to take care of your community. In America that can be felt as a burden. We are all so busy being independent that people often fear communal responsibility will impinge on their happiness.

But when I talk to individuals about what exactly is communal responsibility they often warm to the idea rapidly. Do you want there to be: people who bring meals when you are sick? Someone who picks up your kids from school because you’re working late. Someone to help pay for medicine for an elderly woman next door. Someone who clears the brush from around your house before fire season. Someone who raises money for the Food Bank. Someone to sit with you when your parent dies. Someone to visit you when you are sick, and do a bit of vacuuming while they are here.

In America we create Jewish community in synagogue. There the multiple burdens – responsibilities – are spread out over the many members so that no one person is expected to do it all.

Perhaps you will be rich enough to buy all that you and your family will ever need; I know I won’t be. And for those like me, there is community. Perhaps you have a close knit group of friends who will do this for you. I know that I don’t have enough friends for all my needs. Most of my friends work and can’t be available at all times.

But I’m not Jewish
Maybe you are thinking I’m not Jewish, I’m not sure how that would work for me. Here’s how – if you belong to a community you belong. A Catholic friend of mine told me she was being supported in the lost of her mother by her rabbi. Another told me she has a disease that she is fighting and her community has supported her emotionally in her health struggles. A man told me, “Guys aren’t so good at making friends, but I joined the mens group and we are bonding.” A non-Jewish man told me that the Caring committee had taken care of him and his daughters as his wife slowly died of cancer. A Jewish mom walked into Torah study at her congregation and said, “My husband isn’t Jewish, I don’t have a lot of relatives. I need for all of you to come to our daughter’s bat mitzvah so there will be plenty of voices carrying the songs and prayers.” When my nephew leaves for Iraq next month I am asking my synagogue’s women’s group to help me send him and his unit a monthly care package.

None of us can actually make it alone. Not physically. Not emotionally. Even if you are Hans Solo (note that last name!), eventually you need the rest of the Jedi Knights to back you up. Admitting our weaknesses can be our greatest strength. Don’t be afraid to be helped and to give help.

Summer is a great time to check out synagogues to see if there is one that fits you. I’m happy to help. Just call me.

What if you are still saying, I’m not ready. Or I just don’t want to join anything. That’s fine. You can still drop in and visit when you feel like. The welcome sign is out!

 

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Discussion Series for Interfaith/Intercultural Couples

8 Sessions
Exchange ideas about such issues as:

 Holiday Observances – Which holidays will be celebrated in our home?

 Dealing With Our Families – How will we talk to our parents about our choices?

 Raising Children – How can we make sure our child is “part” of each of us?

 Spiritual Concerns – How do we satisfy our needs and recognize our Partner’s?

 Cultural Differences – How do communication styles and familial expectations impact our relationship?

This is one of the most meaningful and powerful things you can do for your relationship. I encourage every couple to participate in a couples group.

There is a sliding scale. NO ONE turned away. Tell me you work evenings, tell me you can’t get a babysitter, but don’t tell me it’s the money because we can make it work.

IN OAKLAND
With Dawn Kepler
call Dawn at 510-845-6420 x11or e-mail Dawn to register or receive more information.

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Women in Interfaith Relationships:
Giving our Kids Roots & Wings
Raising kids is hard. You have to be a cook, chauffeur, therapist, private secretary, doctor, and chief bottle washer. And in there you’re supposed to give your kids “roots” and “wings.” Roots: a foundation from which to spring. Wings: confidence & self knowledge. Ours is the first generation to think that Moms can do that alone. Forget it! Come get and give support.

Date: March 9
Time: 9 to 11am
Place: B’nai Tikvah, 25 Hillcroft, Walnut Creek
Facilitated by Dawn Kepler, Building Jewish Bridges – Call me for more information at 925-943-1484 or email me at dawn@jfed.org

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When my daughter was in kindergarten we had to change schools midyear. I was anxious about bringing my five year old to a new school where all the other kids had bonded. I remember the February morning that I walked into the office of the new school and introduced Elly to the school secretary, Sue. Sue smiled at her and after a brief chat said, “OK, you’re mine now until you graduate.” And off they went.

For the next six years Sue was there for elbows that needed bandaids, loose teeth, costumes that needed safety pins, a smile, a pat. She couldn’t make all things right but she could and did smooth the way.

I want to say that I feel the same way about all of you. You belong to me – until such time as you decide to go off to Seattle or Miami. In the meantime I refer to you as “my couples” and it is my intention to smooth the way. I can’t make all things right, but I have some pretty good ideas and resources. Don’t hesitate to give me a call. I know there are some of you that worry that I’m Jewish and I can’t understand how it feels to be Christian or Hindu or pagan. But give it a try. I might surprise you.
Dawn
510-845-6420 x11 

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