Children move through a variety of developmental stages. How can we support their identity development and family attachment in age appropriate ways? Children in interfaith families are integrating multiple traditions and family heritages, we will look at how to weave together disparate backgrounds into one whole “self.” The discussion will be led by Dawn Kepler.

Marin Brandeis Hillel Day School
180 No. San Pedro Rd., San Rafael
Monday, Oct. 11 at 7 to 8:30pm
Marin BHDS offers this program free to the community.
For information call Dawn at 510-845-6420 x11.

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Children move through a variety of developmental stages. How can we support their identity development and family attachment in age appropriate ways? Children in interfaith families are integrating multiple traditions and family heritages, we will look at how to weave together disparate backgrounds into one whole “self.”

Temple Sinai, 2808 Summit St., Oakland
Oct. 17, 2010
1pm to 2:30pm
Free to Temple Sinai members; $7 for non-members. (No one turned away for lack of funds.)
For more information email Dawn at dawn@buildingjewishbridges.org or call 510-845-6420 x11

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So often we will do for our children things we don’t make the effort to do for ourselves, no matter how valuable. Recently I read a string of emails on the Berkeley Parents Network in response to a mother asking for help in building a community for her child. One mom replied that she has lived in the bay area 12 years and has made no ongoing friends since finishing college. She wisely says, “I think ideally community for children would extend naturally from a community that you join for reasons other than kids.”

Are you familiar with these stages of expectation?
As a new mom, won’t I meet & bond with other moms in a mom’s group?
At the preschool stage, surely here we’ll bond with other parents at the preschool.
Or school age, we’ll go to PTA meetings and make friends with the other parents.

But the years slip away and we may or may not make a circle of friends that form “a community.”

Community forms when people have a common goal, repeated interaction, and a commitment to be mutually sustaining. It takes time to bond. And it takes more, it takes that a common goal.

The advantage to being Jewish is that joining a JCC or a synagogue is not about your religious beliefs. You can believe or not in God, in the story of the bible, heaven, reincarnation, souls, global warming. To quote one rabbi, “Jews have one God… or fewer.” After that you’ll basically buying into the idea that people are better off together than apart.

A synagogue or JCC has the structure to sustain and nurture their existing community, you just get on board.

How? It still takes time and commitment because you are creating a relationship. You have to BE PRESENT – it could be attending Shabbat services, joining the Men’s baseball team, baking for the oneg (reception after services), singing in the choir, serving on a committee, taking a class. In the midst of these activities you will meet people, laugh, eat, sing, and develop a relationship. They will care for you because you care about them.

Summer is a great time to cruise the options. Call if you need help planning your exploration.

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Children move through a variety of developmental stages. How can we support their identity development and family attachment in age appropriate ways? Children in interfaith families are integrating multiple traditions and family heritages, we will look at how to weave together disparate backgrounds into one whole “self.”

Marin Brandeis Hillel Day School, 180 North San Pedro Rd., San Rafael
April 27, 2010
8:30am to 10am

FREE and open to the community.
For more information email Dawn at dawn@buildingjewishbridges.org

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Passover with children
I got the question: What can I do with my toddler, age 18 months, at the seder?  My answer is, not much.  Feed her, hold her, distract her with toys and put her to bed on time.  There isn’t a lot about the seder that a tiny one can enjoy other than the company.  You’re biggest risk is over stimulation and a very miserable child.  So just don’t over do.

But what about older children?  I consulted one of my favorite Family Educators, Vicky Kelman, for suggestions.  Here are her Top Ten Ideas for a Family Friendly Seder.

1. Start out in the living room not at the table.  Tell the story there.  Once you get to the table everyone will be thinking about FOOD.
Note: I used to show the old Charlton Heston film, The Ten Commandments, later we moved to The Prince of Egypt in the week preceding seder.  Then I asked my children, what did they get right about the story?  What did the movie get wrong?
2. Decorate the living room.  Make it look like a tent by hanging fabric or a parachute from the ceiling or walls.  Have lots of pillows for people to sit on.
3. Ask guests to prepare by bringing something.  Something to read or sing is great.  The act of preparing and contributing helps everyone feel connected and motivated.
Some suggestions:
* ask one family to write a song about karpas; they can use a tune like Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.  Other families can write about other things – Moses, Miriam, Egypt.
* A family can make a centerpiece.  They can use parsley or other spring plants
* Guests can bring food for seder – matzah, grape juice, wine or a dish
* Have others bring different harosets and have a tasting
Note: I’m big on a potluck seder.  I assign everyone a dish to bring & I’ll be bringing dishes to my friend’s house this year.  She and I always make different harosets.  Wouldn’t be seder without them!
4. Hold a matzah tasting.  Buy three or more brands of matzah – or have guests bring different brands.
5. Serve dessert first!  How is this night different?
Note: Wow, I would not have thought of this!  My mother would never have let me have dessert first!
6. Serve dinner to the kids first.  They will concentrate better on the important part of the evening – hearing the story – if they aren’t hungry.
7. Dress up in costumes.  Get out lots of sheets and scarves and get dressed up the way we imagine the Israelites did.
8. Remember that karpas isn’t only parsley.  Karpas can be other kinds of vegetables including potates, artichokes, carrots or celery.  Think of it as your hors d’oeuvres course and get creative.
Note: I never thought of karpas this way before. This year I’m going to really play with vegetables.  I always have some vegetarians at my seder so this will be fun.
9. Hold a quiz show.  Create a Seder Jeopardy game.  Make categories like Plagues, Passover foods, Moses, Seder Guests, etc.  Intersperse the telling of the story with rounds of the quiz game.  Or you can prepare a basket of quiz questions – color coded for different levels of difficulty.
Note: My son invented, Fun Facts.  Basically I have a stash of candies and as we tell the story anyone who adds a fact gets a candy.  You line them up in front of your plate and who every has the most wins.  Many people find that they snack on a few and thus, don’t win but they don’t care.
10. Put on a play.  Older kids can guide younger kids in acting out the story.  Or the older kids (or adults) can tell the story aloud as the younger kids mime.

What are you cooking for Passover?
Are you a meat eater?  There’s a good chance you’ve thought about making brisket.  Watch this TV chef do it.  I also found a recipe for matzah lasagna.  That and matzvah pizza are the two foods that get my son through Passover!  My daughter is more inventive and willing to go flourless.

Other things going on -

Jewish Music Festival
The festival is in full swing! Running March 20-29, 2010 and July 2010! This year they are pulling out all the stops to celebrate a quarter century of bringing the best in world Jewish music to the Bay Area. Our 2010 events include a world premiere (Dan Plonsey’s Bar Mitzvah), an American premiere (Diaspora Redux), and a West Coast premiere (Saints & Tzadiks), as well as a free outdoor festival at Yerba Buena Gardens in July – a first for the Jewish Music Festival. Check out full schedule:
http://www.jewishmusicfestival.org/events

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There are many times when I talk to you about “interfaith life” but I don’t actually talk about religion.  This Saturday I will be leading a workshop on Shabbat (see just below) and while I will be talking about Shabbat as a ritual, you can generalize this information to other practices in your life.  I promised the participants one idea that will improve their life and the lives of their family members, but I will actually have several suggestions.  Let me give all of you one bit of useful parenting information right now.

Studies find that children who have rituals in their lives are more resilient.  The studies looked at kids who faced adversity.  God willing, our children will face less dramatic setbacks than those in the study.  But as the saying goes, into each life some rain must fall.  So how very good to create a home in which there are things that strengthen our children.  What is a ritual?  It is a repeated behavior that happens basically in the same way at a certain time and/or place.  It creates predictability and helps our children – and us – gain a sense of mastery.  I bet you have aimed to have bedtime rituals, mealtime rituals, homework rituals.  And for ourselves as adults, we shot for bill paying rituals, house cleaning rituals.  I hope you’ve also put in some self care rituals and socializing rituals.

On Saturday I’ll talk about the psychological gifts we give our children with rituals that also connect them to a larger community, a group of people to whom they belong.  If you have not decided which group of people you want to attach to, or you’re having a time of it getting that going, by all means come talk to me afterwards or contact me this coming week.

Here’s the Saturday program:

Making Shabbat Your Own

Would you like to start doing Shabbat? Need to start small or do you want to take it up a notch? Come learn easy steps to create “your” Shabbat. We’ll tell you how to have warm, homemade challah even if you work until 6pm. How to engage children of all ages. Ways to approach teens or other skeptics in your family. As a bonus, we’ll tell you how one simple ritual can improve your child’s and your health, happiness and well being. No kidding!

Date:            Saturday, Feb. 20

Time: 1:15pm

Place: Temple Isaiah, 3800 Mt. Diablo Blvd., Lafayette

Free

Contact Dawn for more information at 510-845-6420 x11 or email me at dawn@buildingjewishbridges.org

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 Savor the moments of your life

When my youngest was a infant there was an evening when we had company over.  After dinner my husband took the adults into the living room to chat.  I took the baby into the bedroom to nurse, rock, and put to bed.  I wanted to get back to adult conversation and it seemed to be taking an eternity to get him to sleep.  I wished he would just fall asleep!  Then it occurred to me that he would grow fast and soon he, like his four year old sister, would no longer need to be rocked.  I paused and mentally recorded his small body, his length, his soft breathing; I relaxed into the moment and saved that memory.  From then on I noted how his legs got longer and rocking switched to rubbing his back in bed and finally to a good night kiss.  Now my “baby” is nineteen, thousands of miles away, having the time of his life and I am glad that I paused and lived in the moments.

Some of you are longing for a child, or happy without them, some are racing to meet schedules of pick up, homework, soccer or piano practice.  Some of you, like me, have graduated from the parent as manager/orchestrator to parent as consultant.

What you do matters, it matters immensely, to you as well as your children.  I want you to enjoy as much of every moment as possible – and no, not all parenting moments are enjoyable.  So slow down, enjoy the good times, learn from the hard times, and bask in the love of your children, your partner, your friends.  Do it now.

Making meaningful moments really isn’t hard.  Observing Shabbat can be a great way to create a moment.  Think about coming to my workshop, Making Shabbat Your Own, in Lafayette on Feb. 20 and we’ll talk about how to go from no Shabbat to something that enriches your family.

Shabbat Shalom,
Dawn

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Children move through a variety of developmental stages. How can we support their identity development and family attachment in age appropriate ways? Children in interfaith families are integrating multiple traditions and family heritages, we will look at how to weave together disparate backgrounds into one whole “self.”

San Francisco Brandeis Day School, 655 Brotherhood Way, San Francisco

Monday, March 15, 2010

7 to 8:30pm

Marin Brandeis Hillel Day School, 180 North San Pedro Rd., San Rafael

April 27, 2010

8:30am to 10am

FREE and open to the community.

For more information email Dawn at dawn@buildingjewishbridges.org

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Date: Sunday, January 31, 2010

Time: 10am

Place: Beth Israel Judea, 625 Brotherhood Way, San Francisco

The event is open to all and is FREE to BIJ members; Only $7 for non-members.

Drinks and noshes provided. Bring your friends!

For more information or to sign up contact Dawn at 510-845-6420 x11 or email dawn@buildingjewishbridges.org

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Christmas for your child

Last week I talked about Christmas for an interfaith couple, this week I want to talk about Christmas for the children in an interfaith family.  Let me remind you of two truths:

1. Your child is not exactly like anyone else, so you can’t duplicate another parent’s choices.

2. Your child is not so unique that you can’t learn from parents.

In today’s world there is a bonus, many people have grown up in interfaith homes and can give us personal accounts of things that were successful and things that were not.  Guess what?  What works for child one, didn’t work for child two.  So you need to stay tuned in to your child.  If your child is normal they will go through the same developmental stages as all children and you can use developmental guidelines to help you with your decisions.

The big question this time of year is, Is it OK to have Christmas in our home?  How will it impact our children? 

Yes, Christmas matters.  So let’s look at how it matters to kids.

First there is how you as parents handle it.  Are you both comfortable?  No one is unusually quiet or holding their breath?  Because if one or both of you are tense, your kids will know that there is something stressful about Christmas.  They may love the presents, food etc, but they will also feel bad.  Talk to your partner; talk to me. Try to put your children’s needs first. The argument is not about which one of you “wins,” it’s about seeing to it that your child wins.  In order for that to happen you have to find a comfortable meeting place.

Are you raising them as Jews?  Christmas is a big symbol; even if you don’t believe in Christ and are not religious at all, the world sees Christmas as a Christian act.  (Christmas stands for Christ’s Mass.)  Be aware that the world around your kids may see this as evidence that they aren’t “really” Jewish.  Other children may say things like, “You have Christmas so you’re not  Jewish.”  The kids aren’t saying that to be mean.  They are trying to sort out life and its many parts.  You need to be ready with a non-defensive, non-angry statement.  Something like, “Dad isn’t Jewish and he loves having Christmas because he did it as a child.  So we have Christmas now to show how much we love Dad.”  Or to the little friend, “Actually, Christopher, we are Jewish.  We have a Christmas tree because Adam’s mommy isn’t Jewish and we have Christmas with her because she loves Christmas and we love her.”

There is something else you want to think about.  You are developing in your child a love of Christmas.  When your child grows up and moves out of your home do you want him/her to continue celebrating Christmas?  When the Christian parent who is the “holder” of Christmas eventually pass away what do you expect your adult child to do about Christmas?  Often we think only in the present.  But think into the future.  Your children may go through some challenging times as they sort out their Christmas celebration questions.  I have adult children of interfaith families who are very conflicted about their continued attachment to and/or practice of Christmas.  Others are not bothered at all. My point is that you need to be aware.  Think about what you’re instilling in your child.  Notice what they say about themselves.  As they reach the teen years and adulthood, be ready to have them make different choices, possibly even different from their own siblings.  Be ready to talk about your choices and about how they see your role in their choices.  Most of all, be ready to love them just as they are.

You’ll note that none of this is religious – it’s cultural and familial.  Much of Christmas is about family.  And frankly, all of Judaism is inextricable from family.

EVENTS

Kindergym Playdays for Babies under age 3 (Oakland)

Judaism in a Nut-Shell (Oakland)

got shabbat?  (Lafayette)

Chanukah is Coming (San Rafael)

Interfaith Couples’ Trip to Israel (Israel)

Kindergym Playdays for Babies under age 3

Please join us for fabulous fun at our weekday and once a month Sunday classes! Your crawling baby or exploring toddler (under age 3) can slide, climb, slither in our ball pit, make music, create a Playdoh masterpiece, jump on a trampoline, pop bubbles and all of you will make new friends! One sibling under 3 is FREE!

Dates:   Classes available Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays and Sundays. 

Time:    Mornings

Place:   Temple Beth Abraham, 327 MacArthur Blvd., Oakland

Check the website for details.

Please call Dawn Margolin at 547.7726 for more info and visit our website for details and directions at: www.tbaoakland.org/kindergym

These classes are a great place for non-Jewish moms to make friends and find playmates for their little ones and themselves!

Judaism in a Nut-Shell
This is a student-driven discussion led by Rabbi Andrea Berlin. During the course of the year, we will learn about topics suggested by the class. This is your opportunity to have almost all of your Jewish questions answered. Bring yourself and any Jewish question (no matter how off the wall). There is no fee or registration required.

Dates:   December 1, February 2, March 2 & May 4

Time:    Tuesday Afternoons, 4:30pm-5:30pm

Place:   Temple Sinai’s Merritt Village on the Merritt College Campus

See directions to the Merritt Village here: http://www.oaklandsinai.org/uploads/17192map_to_Merrit_College.pdf

got shabbat?

Make Shabbat at Temple Isaiah the high point of your week. After all, it’s worked for the Jewish people for thousands of years. Join us for “come as you are” family services on the first Friday of the month. Bring the whole family for a delicious pizza dinner, a lively song session and interactive services followed by a yummy dessert oneg, Israeli dancing interactive family activities, arts & crafts, and more!

Date:    Dec. 4

Time:    5:45—Pizza Dinner
6:30—Singing, Services, Dessert & More!

Place:   Temple Isaiah, 3800 Mt. Diablo Blvd., Lafayette

Cost:    $20/family

Need more info?  Call Michael, I love him, at (925) 283-8575, ext. 310

Chanukah is Coming

Shabbat Services – Bring your Chanukah menorah and candles and fill the sanctuary with light and joy!  We will sing Chanukah songs and say the blessings as we celebrate both Chanukah and Shabbat together as a community.

Date:    Friday, December 11

Time:    6:15 pm

Place:   Rodef Sholom, 170 No. San Pedro, San Rafael

info: www.rodefsholom.org

Interfaith Couples’ Trip to Israel

Israel is the birthplace of the Abrahamic faiths and the spiritual center for more than half of the world’s people. Discover the awe and majesty of this ancient land with the one you love. Expert educators guide this unique journey, helping interfaith/intercultural couples explore a landscape immensely rich in spiritual heritage and significance. Spend Sabbath in Jerusalem at the Western Wall, one of the last remaining structures from the complex of the Second Temple, once considered God’s home on earth. Visit the Galilean hills, a lush region of waterfalls and wildflowers where Jesus gave his open-air Sermon on the Mount. Climb to the ruins of Masada, an ancient palace perched on an isolated rocky plateau, where Jewish rebels made their last stand against the mighty Roman Empire. Celebrate Israel Independence Day at Rabin Square in Tel Aviv.

Date:    April 12 – 21, 2010

Cost:    $2800 per person

Led by Interfaith Connection Manager Helena McMahon, LMFT

Here is a link to the description of the trip:

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